My Weight Journey; From Losing Weight, To Gaining Weight, To Maintaining It

Source: iStock Photo

**** WARNING: This post may not be appropriate for anyone with an eating disorder, or anyone who is sensitive to "weighty" issues (pun intended). ****
Today I wanted to write a personal post about weight management and life after an eating disorder. I figure this is my blog, otherwise known as a "web log", so I might as well write a candid post about life after an eating disorder, and specifically my thoughts and struggles with weight and weight management. After all, I have only written one or two posts about anorexia and my personal experience with anorexia, but never have I talked about life as a women who has healed, and who is in the midst of a weight-conscience and weight-obsessed society (my previous posts are "From Normal, To Anorexic" and "An Insight on Eating Disorders".)


After recently reading the book Gaining I pretty much figured out the meaning behind my anorexia, and how I was the perfect candidate for an eating disorder. I'm a perfectionist in just about every aspect of my life (I'm not perfect, I'm a perfectionist).
When I was recovering from anorexia, over five years ago, I was deathly afraid that I would spiral out of control and put on a ton of weight if I ever got "Better" (this is a classic sign of anorexia). In my mind I thought I had to either eat perfectly, or else I'd become what everyone else had become.....overweight or obese (both were equally scary to me). After all, as I started getting "better", I also started binging and to me that was very scary (not having control over what and how much I ate = scariest thing ever, at that time).

Source: iStock Photo

Now, over five years later, having been fully recovered for maybe three years (I still had some eating issues when I was first dating Nick, but not full blown anorexia. At the time I thought I was recovered, but looking back I was fooling myself), I am at the point in my life where I am no longer trying to put on weight, but instead I am actually having to watch my portions and be careful about how much I eat (something I was once way too good at, in a very bad way).

I'm finally at the point where I no longer feel like it may be disordered thoughts that are telling me to "only eat half the burger" (it has taken me quite a while to come to terms with this fact. For many years I couldn't tell whether my thoughts to eat less or to stop eating when I was full were coming from my eating disorder, or if they were coming from me actually trying to be healthy and eat intuitively.) For so long my goal was to put on weight and now that I have, I have to work hard not to keep on putting it on! Ironic. Right? Just as I imagined five years ago, I am at that point where I was always afraid I'd be. Now that I'm hear, however, it's not so bad. I'm just like every other American who has to work hard to keep weight from slowly creeping up. Is that a bad thing? Nope. It's a good thing because I'm a dietitian and I can practice what I preach, and learn many things along the way (thus I'm better able to teach others how to maintain a healthy weight, in a realistic way, how it should really be done, not by starving myself).


Sometimes I compare myself to someone who has gained a lot of weight, then lost it, and now has to maintain it. In many ways I am similar to that person. Eating too much is an eating disorder just like eating too little, and just like me, people who eat too much and gain a lot of weight have to eventually learn how to eat normally again, and have a better relationship with food. That's exactly what I've done. I've had to train myself to have a better relationship with food, and myself, and to love who I am, not to focus on a number, eat intuitively, and to live in the moment.

So I'm normal. I now have to work at maintaining a healthy weight, for the rest of my life. I no longer want to spiral out of control and lose a bunch of weight, and nor do I want the opposite to happen. I now live in the same world as everyone else. Trying to keep a healthy weight, and still enjoy good food that makes me happy, every step of the way.


Here is a great article I found not too long ago; Keeping Weight Off Is As Much A Challenge As Losing It. In the article they talked about the following ways that seem to keep people successfully maintaining a healthy weight;

•Count calories, carbs or fat grams or use a commercial weight-loss program to track food intake.

•Eat breakfast regularly, often including whole grains and low-fat dairy products.

•Limit dining out to an average of three times a week, and fast food to less than once a week.

•Eat similar foods often and don't splurge much.

•Watch fewer than 10 hours of TV a week.

•Weigh-in at least once a week (** Unless the scale alters your mood. In that case, try once a month. Personally I weigh-in once a month because scales are just not my friend....even still **)

Source: iStock Photo

And I'll add to this list by saying that it's extremely important to keep up with your workout routine. You should try to workout about an hour a day, most days of the week (90 minutes would be even more beneficial). Not into working out? Find a workout buddy to keep you motivated, and do stuff you ENJOY!

Source: iStock Photo

I also recently read this article about mindful eating. In the article they discuss how you can give mindful eating a spin "by incorporating a few chilled-out gestures and rituals into your regular calorie intake".

WHEN YOU EAT, JUST EAT. Unplug the electronics. For now, at least, focus on the food.

CONSIDER SILENCE. Avoiding chatter for 30 minutes might be impossible in some families, especially with young children, but specialists suggest starting your meal with short periods of quiet.

TRY IT WEEKLY. Sometimes there’s no way to avoid wolfing down onion rings in your cubicle. But if you set aside one sit-down meal a week as an experiment in mindfulness, the insights may influence everything else you do.

PLANT A GARDEN, AND COOK. Anything that reconnects you with the process of creating food will magnify your mindfulness.

CHEW PATIENTLY. It’s not easy, but try to slow down, aiming for 25 to 30 chews for each mouthful.

USE FLOWERS AND CANDLES. Put them on the table before dinner. Rituals that create a serene environment help foster what one advocate calls “that moment of gratitude.”

FIND A BUDDHIST CONGREGATION where the members invite people in for a day of mindfulness. For New Yorkers, it’s an easy drive to the Blue Cliff Monastery, about 90 minutes north of the city: bluecliffmonastery.org/ on the Web.

QUESTION: How do you practice mindful eating? Do you have any tips? What's your best tip for maintaining a healthy weight, and/or a healthy relationship with food and your body?

STAY TUNED: Coming up next I will post my thoughts on Dr. Supplements....I mean Dr. Oz. And in the next couple weeks I will also post about the concept of volumetrics (my favorite weight management tool to teach clients!).

From Normal, to Anorexic

I finally finished the book Gaining. It was, for lack of a better word, amazing. Rather than give a review of the book, which is kind of....boring, I thought I'd discuss what I learned from the book and from the stories of others with histories of eating disorders. Before you read this post please take a look at my introductory post about the book, as well as all of your amazing comments in the comment section.


When I started reading Gaining I thought I already knew why I had become anorexic back in high school. I thought it had to do with a combination of my mom always dieting as I was growing up, my domineering and controlling personality, and my eagerness to "be someone" in high school. Simple, right? Not so much. After reading this book I still believe those all played a role, but I no longer believe those were the main reasons for my bout with anorexia. And in fact I want to make it clear to everyone that my mother was, and still is, an amazing women. Sure she talked about weight in front of me, and dieting, but never to the extreme that some of the women in this book described. In fact, I would say her weight talk was pretty typical of how many women talk, and it was interspersed with plenty of "healthy talk", which is actually what inspired me to become a dietitian. So, I wouldn't dare blame my mother for my eating disorder. She has helped build my self-confidence more than I could have ever have imagined. It's just those small comments (usually negative comments, about herself), throughout my life that probably affected me more than she (or I) realized.

Anyway, I digress......the book taught me a lot about the true reasons I developed an eating disorder. A study was discussed in the book that showed there are three distinct temperamental groups into which people with anorexia and/or bulimia tend to fall. Here is a very brief description of the three groups;

1) Overcontrolled; tend to avoid social contact; tightly control their appetites for sex and food; limit their pleasures and withdraw from excitement , sensation and risk

2) Perfectionistic; Worry about the details. Aim to please, excel, and conform.

3) Undercontrolled; intense emotions and impulsive behaviors. They tend to fly into rages rather than expressing their anger passively. They also try to find relationships to soothe themselves.


I fell (and in some ways still fall) into a little bit of each of these groups (which is what the researchers indicated as being normal), but mainly number two. Growing up I didn't really worry much about details, but I always aimed to please, freaked out whenever I'd get in trouble or do something wrong, and always worked so hard in school that my friends would often ask me, "why do you work so hard?!". I always figured it was my ADD that created the "need" to work so hard. It took me twice as long to do things because I would always space out halfway in, but in reality I was so rigidly focused that I took simple assignments and made them twice as difficult. I was never able to finish books on time because it took me twice as long to read them. I'd read one paragraph and then have to re-read it because I'd realize I had been thinking about something else as I read the words, therefore not even paying attention to what the author had written. I was always doing something else in my mind, focusing on anything other than what was in front of me, and mainly that focus was on planning. I was, and still have tendencies to be, an obsessive planner. I may not have been a perfectionist in the sense that I had to make everything look perfect or sound perfect, but when it came to planning assignments, studying for exams, even planning what clothes to wear the next day, I was....perfect.

As I continued to read this book everything was put into perspective for me, and by hearing other people's stories of anorexia and bulimia I really had a more clear understanding of my own. I have concluded that for my whole life I have had Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD).

Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.^[1]

As you can see from the definition below, this is slightly different from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry, by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing the associated anxiety, or by a combination of such obsessions and compulsions.

Source: Wikepedia

The author of the book described how she believes she has this disorder herself (OCPD), and studies have shown that many anorexic individuals possess many of the traits that accompany this disorder; mainly perfectionism, rigidity, inflexibility, caution, and need for symmetry. I think about my life as a child and that just about sums it up.

Overall I believe I was an odd case. Unlike many of the people in this book I never actually looked at myself in the mirror and thought I was fat or undeserving. I actually loved myself and my body, for the most part. I was always very happy as a child and adolescent. Sure I had my down times, but doesn't everyone? Now that I know I had/have many traits that mimic OCPD I have figured out the toxic combination of traits and events that produced the perfect storm for my eating disorder. I did a lot of looking back at my life as I was reading this book (mentally looking back and also reading old journal entries) and I can specifically remember one day in high school looking at a picture of myself at my Junior prom, in my prom dress, and noticing the dress was way too tight. I was so angry that no one had told me I looked ridiculous! While I didn't dwell on it a whole lot, I think seeing that picture sparked some serious anxiety about my body that was imbedded deep within me. At the same time I was stressed about the slow decline of a very tight bond with my best friend, and meanwhile my first serious boyfriend had just cheated on me, for the second time. This was in addition to the stress of being at an all girls school where getting into a good college was absolutely critical. The perfect storm had been created. It was too much stress all at once and all of a sudden I felt I had lost control of my life and my "perfectionism". I had never planned for my life to come to this point! To deal with the stress, I literally gave up fat and became obsessed with the control I had over my ability to get smaller, and smaller, and smaller.

Source: iStock Photo

I talked to my dad a few days ago about that time of my life and he said he "remembers that I would come home from the grocery store with all sugar free and fat free foods".

The only thing I remember very clearly is my consistent, repative and controlled breakfast; Kashi cereal mixed with Fiber One, measured in a 3/4th measuring cup with 1 cup of skim milk.


This was so unlike me. I never used to measure my food! But I don't think my parents really thought anything of it at first. After all, this was the 1990's, the decade of the whole fat free craze, so perhaps they thought it was just a faze. I started eliminating fat from my diet and was so good at it that I dropped ten pounds by the time I reached my senior year (that's a lot considering I was already only 110 pounds). Every day I felt the urge to do better at controlling my food, and each time someone told me I was "too skinny" I was pushed even harder to do even better at losing weight and controlling my food intake.

Flash forward to now. I am not going to lie and say that my OCPD traits have completely vanished, because they have not. I am still compulsive about planning/controlling my life, but everyday I get a little better at just living in the moment. I read in the book that, "the ultimate experience of control is achieved, paradoxically, when we are least worried about control". Amen!

I am completely aware of my tendencies to deal with stress by becoming even more obsessed with planning and controlling things. It's crazy how even the simplest stressor will cause me to tense and be compulsive. Stress also effects my eating, just as it does for so many of us. The good thing is that stress makes me eat, and I almost always choose healthy foods to eat because I've learned that's what makes me feel better.

I truly think anyone who has had, or who has dealt with someone with an eating disorder should read this book. In the end I learned a lesson that I will keep with me forever, and that is how to prevent my own children from developing the same poor relationship with food that I did, in such a short period of time. I feel empowered knowing that I have a better understanding of how my personality, behavior, and environment came together, perfectly, to create the life-threatening situation that it did. My parents were completely caught off guard. If my own child shows signs of an eating disorder, I will be ready and eager to help.

I am currently in the middle of writing my autobiography, as I have realized that my story truly is unique. My goal is to have it finished in the next couple years and to really do some more healing throughout that time. Just reading this book has helped me deal with so many issues that I didn't even know I was still subconsciously dealing with. So far, as I write my autobiography, I have continued my journey of healing simply by looking back at my past, reading my journals, and talking to my friends and family.

I've read so many stories of anorexia, bulimia, and other eating disorders on blogs. One of my favorite bloggers, Sophia of Burp and Slurp, has a weekend series of stores about her own struggles with anorexia. Her stories are personal, touching, and completely candid. I encourage everyone to stop by sometime and read her weekend series (or any of her delicious posts throughout the week).

QUESTION: What are your experiences (personal or otherwise) with an eating disorder? Have you read Gaining?

Bike Crash, Garden, and Nutrition News

Here are some of the highlights from this week in the nutrition and health world;

The Scary Trend of Tweens with Anorexia
(Seriously, this is so sad. By the way, I'm almost finished with the book Gaining and will be posting my thoughts soon!)



Soy No Help For Bone Loss, Hot Flashes
(I may not understand the annoyance of bone loss and hot flashes quite yet, but I can tell you right now I would never take a soy supplement to help relieve either of those! I like soy, but only in the form of whole soy foods, thank you, like tempeh!)




Why Am I [or my kids] Such a Fussy Eater?
(I think one take home message here is that you shouldn't snack all day long, nor should you let your kids snack all day long. If they/you are actually really hungry when they sit down to eat a meal, they will be more likely to eat what you prepare/buy! But, if you or your kids are sensitive to that bitter taste, well, that just stinks, and I'm sorry!)

Source: iStockPhoto



Get Your Child To Like Vegetables, Before Birth!
(Eating veggies while pregnant really can effect your child's taste for certain vegetables. Having them help with food prep is a good idea too.)

Source: iStockPhoto



Antioxidant Spices, Like Turmeric and Cinnamon, Reduce Negative Effects of High-Fat Meal

And in other news on this very eventful week, I was told I broke my arm. On Wednesday I was on my way home from a long bike ride with my mom and our friend Pat, and I fell off the bike. I was on a bike with the pedals you have to clip into and I stopped and got my right foot out fine, but when I all of a sudden needed to get my left foot out I was completely STUCK, and I fell on my elbow. I went to the urgent care and they said it was broken. They put me in this temporary cast.....

But then the orthopedic doctor said it wasn't broken!!!! I was (and still am) beyond excited. The doctor said it was "partially fractured" but that it can heal on its own. My arm still hurts, tremendously, and I'm in a sling, but I'm not complaining. The only thing that sucks is that I can't really move my arm and therefore I can't dry my hair or do the dishes, or cook. Oh, SUCH a bummer!

In other good news my ring finally fits! I got it re-sized and the swelling from my fall has gone down enough for me to squeeze it on. I have to wait for the swelling to go down to take it off though. Oh well. At least it's safe!

What do you think?! Nick did well, right???

Oh, and once last piece of news for the week, check out out garden! It's literally growing into our lawn. The butternut squash are growing like an adolescent boy. My goodness.

You see the patch of squash? Those are everywhere.

We have about 50 butternut squash and some red tomatoes that look so amazing, I just can't wait to eat them.

Question: Have you ever broken a bone??? I haven't, and I'm so excited that I can still say that!

This Week's Nutrition and Health News

Here are a few of my favorite nutrition and health articles from the week;

Lancet Paper Blasts Cochrane Salt Study

(Several weeks ago there was some research that surfaced about how reducing salt levels doesn't actually lower heart disease risk. Well, as it turns out, the results were false. Go figure.)

Source: iStockPhotos



Risk Factors For Heart Disease Increase By Fructose Consumption

(ALERT! AWFUL RESEARCH HERE!! They tested fructose, HFCS, and glucose. Umm, hello, why not sucrose?! We don't typically eat glucose, we eat it in combination with glucose in a 1:1 ratio as a disaccharide called sucrose, or table sugar. Anyone else with me on this one?! I do have to agree with one thing, however, and that is that the Dietary Guideline's upper limit for added sugar is too high.)




Really? The Claim: A Normal Heart Rate is 60 to 100 Beats Per Minute
(Don't believe everything you hear! You could be at risk for a stroke if your heart rate is actually greater than 80.)




Position of The American Dietetic Association; Nutrition Intervention in the Treatment of Eating Disorders

(While my own experience with anorexia proved that an RD can actually be harmful, not helpful, I think I just had a bad experience because I was not seeing a dietitian who was trained in the area of eating disorders. I think dietitians play an integral role in ED intervention, but they need to be trained in working with eating disorders and they need to be a part of a multidisciplinary team of experts.)

Source: iStockPhoto



TV Product Placements Are a Junk Food Ad Loophole!

(Food companies have pledged not to market unhealthy foods and beverages to children, but instead they are turning to product placements in TV shows. I mean, seriously?! I'd rather they go back to making the ads. I think product placements are more subliminal and effective. Ugh)



The Problem With Serving Sizes

(Sorry, I have to disagree with this article. I think that the fact that our nation is 66 percent overweight or obese just goes to show us that while we may typically eat more than the average serving size, we shouldn't! Why would we make the serving sizes larger just because most people eat more than a serving? That just sends a message that it's ok to eat six cookies instead of three. So dumb. What they really need to do is work on making serving sizes more understandable, "3 ounces"...umm, what does that mean?! We don't all own food scales.)

Enjoy your weekend everyone!! Starting tonight I'm on "stay-cation" for a whole week! :) Any fun plans for the evening??

An Insight on Eating Disorders

As many of you know, I used to have an eating disorder. While I have no one to blame but myself, I do know that my mom's constant weight-talk that went on (and still goes on) my entire life affected me more than I ever knew (this article talks a bit about how mother's attitudes about dieting and body image affect their children). My mom is certainly not the only women who talks about weight in front of their children, but I think among the thousands of things my mom has taught me, one of the most important thing is to never discuss weight and dieting (unless in a positive way) in front of my own children. Clearly there are many other variables that go into creating the perfect candidate for an eating disorder; for me my Type A personality played a large role. I had sort of a hard time during my junior year of high school and I felt the overwhelming need to control something, and controlling my weight was easy. I was damn good at it, but in a very unhealthy and torturous way.

Here are some eating disorder (anorexia and bulimia) statistics from the South Carolina Department of Mental Health

• It is estimated that 8 million Americans have an eating disorder – seven million women and one million men
• One in 200 American women suffers from anorexia
• Two to three in 100 American women suffers from bulimia
• Nearly half of all Americans personally know someone with an eating disorder (Note: One in five Americans suffers from mental illnesses.)
• An estimated 10 – 15% of people with anorexia or bulimia are males

And what about disordered eating? The Journal of the American Dietetic Association recently published a study that concluded "disordered eating behaviors are not just an adolescent problem, but continue to be prevalent among young adults. Findings suggest that early use is likely to set the stage for ongoing use, and there is a serious need for early intervention"

So even those who don't have full blown eating disorders may still be living a life overly focused on food, fat, calories, etc. After I had anorexia I developed disordered eating, where I ate plenty of calories, but was still constantly preoccupied with food and how it would effect my body. I thought about food constantly, whether in a positive or negative way (when I say positive, I mean that I was still depriving myself to the point where I would get overly excited when I allowed myself a bowl of ice cream). This was not normal, this was disordered eating.



Sometimes I get scared to have children of my own because I really believe that these statistics are only going to get worse as our children plant themselves in front of the TV more often and view weight-related commercials or segments on TV. Or even when they are in school checking their Yahoo mail, and this pops up;



I think I'd rather my child watch porn on TV than view this type of add, with unrealistic cartoon images of someone going from obese, to Barbie thin, making them think this is something they should do in order to be accepted. And these ads are just the tip of the iceberg. Go ahead and pick up any type of health or fitness magazine and you'll quickly notice that every single picture is of a skinny and fit girl or guy, because, after all, you can't be 30 pounds overweight and healthy. Nope, you must be thin, thin, thin. And gorgeous, of course. The only overweight pictures in magazines these days are ones of the person "before" their diet, always followed by their new skinny and "healthy" picture.


While my eating disorder has been behind me for several years now, I was absolutely elated to receive a package in the mail at work, which contained a book titled; Gaining.

A friend from my high school, who I saw for the first time in several years at our reunion this year, sent it to me. I was so touched. She told me she reads my blog and had recently read this book and thought I might enjoy it.

I found this review from Publishers Weekly on Amazon.com;

Thirty years after Liu penned Solitaire documenting her teenage experience with anorexia nervosa, she recounts her midlife relapse and recovery. Liu exposes many myths surrounding eating disorders, with a combination of research and in-depth interviews with other former anorexics and bulimics. She interviews men and women of various cultural and economic backgrounds to refute the notion that anorexia and bulimia affect only "modern rich white girls." Liu's interviewees range from Rob, a 50-year-old physician, to Jessica, an Australian 25-year-old aspiring actress. Liu devotes many chapters to the impact of family on the anorexic or bulimic, contradicting the accepted belief that the victim is "the sick one"; rather, she locates the starting point of the disease in genetics, family life, shame and personality. Like other victims, Liu finds a history of mental disorders in her family, ranging from alcoholism to obsessive-compulsive disorder. According to Liu, a manifestation of an eating disorder is a call for help and should be treated as early as possible, and she fleshes out facts and statistics with her personal interviews, making this book poignant even for those who have not suffered from an eating disorder. (Feb. 22)


I plan on writing my own review of this book once I am finished.

Here are some good reads on eating disorders that I have recently found online or in magazines. The last one is a blog post I wrote last year.

When Eating Disorders Strike in Midlife


Insights From Eating Disorder Counseling
(Great tips for any clinician working with people who have eating disorders)


Pro-Anorexia Websites; Kate and Pippa as "Thinspiration"
(This is truly disturbing)

More Young Children Are Alarmingly Thin

(This was in our local paper yesterday. The stats are startling)

Do You Weigh Yourself?

Question: Do you have any personal or non-personal experiences with eating disorders?

Let's not forget, while most information focuses more on anorexia and bulimia, binge eating disorder and orthorexia (the newest "eating disorder") are also serious eating disorders that can destroy lives. If you or a loved one have signs of an eating disorder, I encourage you to seek help before the problem grows deeper.